A Tea Leaf’s Jackanory

Tea Leaf

Tea Leaf

A Right Tea Leaf

Your Cockney translation skills will be tested to the limit with this one!


Lend this short jackanory your ten speeds and time
That life for a tea leafÔÇÖs not lemon, youÔÇÖll find
IÔÇÖve done bird in the bucket ÔÇô the price to get scratch
ÔÇÿcos me income and lifestyle were never a match


I was jack in the jack with me jazz in the jack
When I felt how me barnet stood up on me back
A bottle came charging while blocking me way
I instantly knew IÔÇÖd out-welcomed me stay


ÔÇÿE tried grabbing me nanny before I was gone
Got me fist in his boat ÔÇô and the race was now on
I got out from the near with ÔÇÿis breath like a yoke
The Sweeney kept brusseling ÔÇ£Stop there, you stoke!ÔÇØ


If thereÔÇÖs something that gets on me West Ham reserves
ItÔÇÖs the prospect of shovel (although well deserved)
With me background itÔÇÖs porridge the next time around
If itÔÇÖs back to the boom, then IÔÇÖd rather be brown


With the bottle beÔÇÖind me, I ran down the plate
With me crust on a plate, well, me plates better rate
I threw off me weasel, to speed up some more
Shame ÔÇô IÔÇÖd bought it last week, with the whistle I wore


There was no smash-and-grab or a sosay in sight
So fast on me Bromleys I rushed through the night
I leapt down the frog with the cop in pursuit
Then saw me salvation, a battle called Boots


Well, unnoticed I entered the warm nuclear space
The bottle, unknowing, continued ÔÇÿis chase
IÔÇÖd been running so ÔÇÿard that me biscuits were weak
Well, a tiddley restores you when future looks bleak


I ordered a needle and Phil to calm down
I was Hank and his brother, me new making sounds
Me choice Alexander, as big as a ÔÇÿorse,
Is Lilian and jockeys and army of course


While downing me Jim I kept butchering ÔÇÿround
And suddenly ÔÇÿeard some familiar sounds
I was pleased to find Chinas all over the jack
They asked me: ÔÇ£What wooden?ÔÇØ ÔÇô I told them the tacks


We did rabbit and rum about donkeys long gone
How IÔÇÖd ÔÇÿalf-inched Tom Foolery all Toblerone
With bugs in me skies I kept ordering pigs
We continued our bowler and cheered with each swig


Then the grasshopperÔÇÖs back ÔÇô would you Adam and Eve!
We were ÔÇÿaving a Turkish and now I must leave
His left mince had an ocean as large as me fist
And I who had thought that me punch might ÔÇÿave missed


Well, an elephantÔÇÖs too small for ÔÇÿiding beÔÇÖind
I threw ladies on thÔÇÖ cain; put me bacons in line
They still would outrun ÔÇÿim, me rhythmÔÇÖnÔÇÖblues
A matter of me ÔÇÿaving too much to lose


Then the pleasure came pouring; no Auntie around
Somehow it made Sweeney now losing ÔÇÿis ground
Me doggies were barking, I was cream but at ease
In me callards I carried a truckload of bees


I came to me field with the ten pouring down
I went down the apples, me PopeÔÇÖs underground
Me trouble received me, our teapots in bed
How she bubbled with joy when I gave ÔÇÿer the bread!

Kim Ekemar (www.kimekemar.com)
Published with kind permission of the author.