A Tea Leaf's Jackanory[caption id="attachment_172" align="alignright" width="210"] Tea Leaf[/caption]
A Right Tea LeafYour Cockney translation skills will be tested to the limit with this one!ILend this short jackanory your ten speeds and timeThat life for a tea leaf's not lemon, you'll findI've done bird in the bucket - the price to get scratch'cos me income and lifestyle were never a matchIII was jack in the jack with me jazz in the jackWhen I felt how me barnet stood up on me backA bottle came charging while blocking me wayI instantly knew I'd out-welcomed me stayIII'E tried grabbing me nanny before I was goneGot me fist in his boat - and the race was now onI got out from the near with 'is breath like a yokeThe Sweeney kept brusseling "Stop there, you stoke!"IVIf there's something that gets on me West Ham reservesIt's the prospect of shovel (although well deserved)With me background it's porridge the next time aroundIf it's back to the boom, then I'd rather be brownVWith the bottle be'ind me, I ran down the plateWith me crust on a plate, well, me plates better rateI threw off me weasel, to speed up some moreShame - I'd bought it last week, with the whistle I woreVIThere was no smash-and-grab or a sosay in sightSo fast on me Bromleys I rushed through the nightI leapt down the frog with the cop in pursuitThen saw me salvation, a battle called BootsVIIWell, unnoticed I entered the warm nuclear spaceThe bottle, unknowing, continued 'is chaseI'd been running so 'ard that me biscuits were weakWell, a tiddley restores you when future looks bleakVIIII ordered a needle and Phil to calm downI was Hank and his brother, me new making soundsMe choice Alexander, as big as a 'orse,Is Lilian and jockeys and army of courseIXWhile downing me Jim I kept butchering 'roundAnd suddenly 'eard some familiar soundsI was pleased to find Chinas all over the jackThey asked me: "What wooden?" - I told them the tacksXWe did rabbit and rum about donkeys long goneHow I'd 'alf-inched Tom Foolery all TobleroneWith bugs in me skies I kept ordering pigsWe continued our bowler and cheered with each swigXIThen the grasshopper's back - would you Adam and Eve!We were 'aving a Turkish and now I must leaveHis left mince had an ocean as large as me fistAnd I who had thought that me punch might 'ave missedXIIWell, an elephant's too small for 'iding be'indI threw ladies on th' cain; put me bacons in lineThey still would outrun 'im, me rhythm'n'bluesA matter of me 'aving too much to loseXIIIThen the pleasure came pouring; no Auntie aroundSomehow it made Sweeney now losing 'is groundMe doggies were barking, I was cream but at easeIn me callards I carried a truckload of beesXIVI came to me field with the ten pouring downI went down the apples, me Pope's undergroundMe trouble received me, our teapots in bedHow she bubbled with joy when I gave 'er the bread!
Kim Ekemar (www.kimekemar.com)Published with kind permission of the author.