A Cockney Jackanory

He came down the apples wearing his old westminster whistle and put on his titfer . He couldn’t go┬áout with his barnet all over his boat. He was supposed to sausage a goose‘s for some bees for the┬átrouble, but he was boracic, being on the rock and roll after getting the tin tack. He half inched a┬áDudley Moore from the ball and chainÔÇÖs purse and slipped out.

He decided to go to for a ruby and then drop into the rubber for a pint of smile and a gold watch. He hoped he would also see the tutti fruityfull richard with the nice arris behind the ringo. When he got there, there she was with her bethnals stretched tight over her shapely bottle and wearing a long and flexy blouse, which showed off her lovely thruppennies making him feel a bit fine and dandy.

She was also wearing a blonde irish which made her look even more sexy. He bought her a vera┬álynn and they had a chat. He had few pints of smile and an I’m so and then went for a jimmy. When┬áhe got back, there she was, putting on her billy.

“Can I give you a lift?” he asked. Her north and south opened revealing her lovely pearly┬áhampsteads. Her mincers sparkled as she flashed him a dog’s dinner of a roof tile.

“That would be chicken and rice” she murmured as she pulled her daisies over her plates and up her┬áshapely mystics. He couldn’t wait to get his brasses on them.

He opened the roger for her and they went out into the frog. It was a bit taters but the lah-di-dahs were shining and she pressed her sweet body against his to keep warm. This bird his donald duck was in. He could feel it in his newingtons. The aunt nell of her filled his Mary Rose and his hampton stirred in anticipation.

His old jam jar was nearby and they climbed in. He started to beehive up the jack and jill and it┬áwasn’t long before they reached a deserted light and dark. After a quick heavenly bliss and a grope,┬áthey got out of the jam and went behind the bushes. She lay down on her cilla. He undid her┬ábethnell greens and slid his jazzes into her alan whickers. It wasn’t long before he found her bloody┬ámary jacky danny. By this bird his hampton was batman and robin fit to burst. He undid his callard┬áand bowsers and grabbed her arris with both brasses and soon they were at it like a couple of nuns┬áin habits. What a donald duck to remember that was! It left him completely creamed, and his┬ástrawberry going like the clappers. And he hadn’t even thought to ask her moniker. If she was like┬áthis in the alan clark, what would she be like in his uncle ned?

ÔÇ£That was lovelyÔÇØ he said as he dropped her off, ÔÇ£but donÔÇÖt say a dicky bird.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£No, donÔÇÖt worry, IÔÇÖll keep it zipped.ÔÇØ she replied with a sandy lyle. ÔÇ£See you tomorrow?ÔÇØ

When he got to the Gates of Rome he was really cream crackered. He called out for his trouble. The cat and mouse was in a right two and eight. It was never very lemon tart, but now there was a dreadful pen.

ÔÇ£Your michael winnerÔÇÖs in the binÔÇØ she yelled down the apples. ÔÇ£It got burnt! Where ÔÇÿave you┬ábeen?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£I just popped out to the lollipopÔÇØ he responded. He assumed her chalfonts must be giving her gyp.

ÔÇ£DonÔÇÖt you tell me porkies, you stupid berk. YouÔÇÖve been gone for hoursÔÇØ she brussels sprouted┬áback. ÔÇ£You deep fat fryer.ÔÇØ She came rushing down the apples and smacked him in his north and┬ásouth. HeÔÇÖd never pearly queen her like this before. She was quite mariah carey! He tried to grab┬áher round the gregory, but she brought her knee up into his orchestras and gave him a right┬áunscheduled meeting.

ÔÇ£WhatÔÇÖve you been up to you bastardÔÇØ she screamed. ÔÇ£I donÔÇÖt adam and eve it. YouÔÇÖre Brahms and┬áListz. YouÔÇÖve been down the rubber avenÔÇÖt you, you merchant, spendin all our bangers? And you┬áhalf inched some from my purse you tea leaf. I bet thereÔÇÖs none left for me and I can smell the┬áPenelope Cruz on you. I know, youÔÇÖve been sniffing around that little tart of a barmaid again┬áhavenÔÇÖt you?ÔÇØ He collapsed on the floor, groaning. ÔÇ£IÔÇÖll stop you shagging that little paraffin lamp.

What would she see in a randy old git like you anyway? I bet she doesnÔÇÖt know you donÔÇÖt even have┬áany Kathy Burke and youÔÇÖre peppermint. SheÔÇÖs welcome to youÔÇØ┬á

He crawled into the kitchen, blew a raspberry and was Moby Dick on the floor. The end of another perfect day.

When he woke he was still on the Roger Moore in the kitchen. He wasnÔÇÖt sure how he got there, and┬áhe still felt a bit uncle dick, but the cat and mouse was quiet. The love and kisses must have gone to┬áher uncle ted without him. Why would she have done that?

Slowly the events of yesterday came back to him. What a real tony blair that had been! He got up┬áand shuffled to the kermit for an eartha kitt. He looked in the mirror. He was in a right two and┬áeight, but what should he do? He knew the trouble wouldnÔÇÖt take him back; heÔÇÖd made a right jaffa┬ácake with that oily rag from the near and far. He decided to give his china a ring on the dog and┬ábone.

ÔÇ£Hello me old mate. I had a bit of a barney wiv the trouble last night. Can I rattle over?ÔÇØ

By the time he reached his friendÔÇÖs house be had had time to think.