A Cockney Jackanory
He came down the apples wearing his old westminster whistle and put on his titfer . He couldn't go£out with his barnet all over his boat. He was supposed to sausage a goose's for some bees for the£trouble, but he was boracic, being on the rock and roll after getting the tin tack. He half inched a£Dudley Moore from the ball and chainÔÇÖs purse and slipped out.He decided to go to for a ruby and then drop into the rubber for a pint of smile and a gold watch. He£hoped he would also see the tutti fruityfull richard with the nice arris behind the ringo. When he£got there, there she was with her bethnals stretched tight over her shapely bottle and wearing a long£and flexy blouse, which showed off her lovely thruppennies making him feel a bit fine and dandy.She was also wearing a blonde irish which made her look even more sexy. He bought her a vera£lynn and they had a chat. He had few pints of smile and an I'm so and then went for a jimmy. When£he got back, there she was, putting on her billy."Can I give you a lift?" he asked. Her north and south opened revealing her lovely pearly£hampsteads. Her mincers sparkled as she flashed him a dog's dinner of a roof tile."That would be chicken and rice" she murmured as she pulled her daisies over her plates and up her£shapely mystics. He couldn't wait to get his brasses on them.He opened the roger for her and they went out into the frog. It was a bit taters but the lah-di-dahs£were shining and she pressed her sweet body against his to keep warm. This bird his donald duck£was in. He could feel it in his newingtons. The aunt nell of her filled his Mary Rose and his£hampton stirred in anticipation.His old jam jar was nearby and they climbed in. He started to beehive up the jack and jill and it£wasn't long before they reached a deserted light and dark. After a quick heavenly bliss and a grope,£they got out of the jam and went behind the bushes. She lay down on her cilla. He undid her£bethnell greens and slid his jazzes into her alan whickers. It wasn't long before he found her bloody£mary jacky danny. By this bird his hampton was batman and robin fit to burst. He undid his callard£and bowsers and grabbed her arris with both brasses and soon they were at it like a couple of nuns£in habits. What a donald duck to remember that was! It left him completely creamed, and his£strawberry going like the clappers. And he hadn't even thought to ask her moniker. If she was like£this in the alan clark, what would she be like in his uncle ned?ÔÇ£That was lovelyÔÇØ he said as he dropped her off, ÔÇ£but donÔÇÖt say a dicky bird.ÔÇØÔÇ£No, donÔÇÖt worry, IÔÇÖll keep it zipped.ÔÇØ she replied with a sandy lyle. ÔÇ£See you tomorrow?ÔÇØWhen he got to the Gates of Rome he was really cream crackered. He called out for his trouble. The£cat and mouse was in a right two and eight. It was never very lemon tart, but now there was a£dreadful pen.ÔÇ£Your michael winnerÔÇÖs in the binÔÇØ she yelled down the apples. ÔÇ£It got burnt! Where ÔÇÿave you£been?ÔÇØÔÇ£I just popped out to the lollipopÔÇØ he responded. He assumed her chalfonts must be giving her gyp.ÔÇ£DonÔÇÖt you tell me porkies, you stupid berk. YouÔÇÖve been gone for hoursÔÇØ she brussels sprouted£back. ÔÇ£You deep fat fryer.ÔÇØ She came rushing down the apples and smacked him in his north and£south. HeÔÇÖd never pearly queen her like this before. She was quite mariah carey! He tried to grab£her round the gregory, but she brought her knee up into his orchestras and gave him a right£unscheduled meeting.ÔÇ£WhatÔÇÖve you been up to you bastardÔÇØ she screamed. ÔÇ£I donÔÇÖt adam and eve it. YouÔÇÖre Brahms and£Listz. YouÔÇÖve been down the rubber avenÔÇÖt you, you merchant, spendin all our bangers? And you£half inched some from my purse you tea leaf. I bet thereÔÇÖs none left for me and I can smell the£Penelope Cruz on you. I know, youÔÇÖve been sniffing around that little tart of a barmaid again£havenÔÇÖt you?ÔÇØ He collapsed on the floor, groaning. ÔÇ£IÔÇÖll stop you shagging that little paraffin lamp.What would she see in a randy old git like you anyway? I bet she doesnÔÇÖt know you donÔÇÖt even have£any Kathy Burke and youÔÇÖre peppermint. SheÔÇÖs welcome to youÔÇØ£He crawled into the kitchen, blew a raspberry and was Moby Dick on the floor. The end of another£perfect day.When he woke he was still on the Roger Moore in the kitchen. He wasnÔÇÖt sure how he got there, and£he still felt a bit uncle dick, but the cat and mouse was quiet. The love and kisses must have gone to£her uncle ted without him. Why would she have done that?Slowly the events of yesterday came back to him. What a real tony blair that had been! He got up£and shuffled to the kermit for an eartha kitt. He looked in the mirror. He was in a right two and£eight, but what should he do? He knew the trouble wouldnÔÇÖt take him back; heÔÇÖd made a right jaffa£cake with that oily rag from the near and far. He decided to give his china a ring on the dog and£bone.ÔÇ£Hello me old mate. I had a bit of a barney wiv the trouble last night. Can I rattle over?ÔÇØBy the time he reached his friendÔÇÖs house be had had time to think.
Date: 27-Mar-2014
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BREAKING: One bloke has been given the TIN TACK and another bloke just started in a new CORN ON THE COB today. That… https://t.co/AyrNRrHMQI