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Bank |
Cab Rank
|
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Boozer |
Cabin Cruiser
|
| Went down to the Cabin Cruiser to watch the match. |
|
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Back |
Cadbury's Snack
|
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Table |
Cain and Abel
|
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Trousers |
Callard and Bowsers
|
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Trousers |
Callards
|
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Wine |
Calvin Klein
Alternatives
|
| Glass of dry white Calvin please. |
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Fine (as in nice body!) |
Calvin Klein
Alternatives
|
| Oi Oi you're Clvin Kein! |
|
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Ugly Face |
Cambridge and Oxford
|
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Dump |
Camel's Hump
Alternatives
|
| He's on the throne having a Camel's. |
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Boil |
Can of Oil
|
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Tote |
Canal Boat
|
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Dwarf |
Canary Wharf
|
| He´s a Canary. |
|
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Tax |
Candle Wax
|
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Table |
Cane and Abel
|
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Wales |
Canterbury Tales
|
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Soap |
Cape of Good Hope
|
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Look |
Captain Cook
|
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Work |
Captain Kirk
Alternatives
|
| Can't be bothered to go to Captain Kirk, think I'll pull a Metal Mickey |
|
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Turk |
Captain Kirk
Alternatives
|
| Lot of Captains around this area. |
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Turk |
Captain Kirk
Alternatives
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Book |
Caption Cook
|
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3 |
Carpet
|
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Wife |
Carving Knife
|
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Wages |
Cat and Cages
|
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Bog |
Cat and Dog
|
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House |
Cat and Mouse
|
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Moans |
Catherine Zeta Jones
|
| Here she goes with her Zeta Jones. |
|
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Tap (borrow) |
Cellar Flap
|
|
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Meeting |
Central Heating
|
| I just been to the Central about the new building. |
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Scarf |
Centre Half
|
| It's a bit taters I'll wear my centre half |
|
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100 |
Century
|
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Pee |
C'est La Vie
|
| Oi garcon, je require un C'est La Vie. |
|
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Cow |
Chairman Mao
|
| Look at the udders on that Chairman! |
|
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Arm |
Chalk Farm
|
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Horse |
Charing Cross
|
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Tosser |
Charing Crosser
|
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Tan |
Charlie Chan
|
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Child Molester |
Charlie Chester
|
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Steak |
Charlie Drake
|
| I'll have a well done Charlie darlin'. |
|
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Slash (urinate) |
Charlie Nash
|
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Waistcoat |
Charlie Prescot
|
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Ride |
Charlie Pride
|
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Ponce |
Charlie Ronce
|
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Battery |
Charm and Flattery
|
| Yer charm's gone flat, mate! |
|
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Shave |
Chas and Dave
|
|
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Keys |
Cheddar Cheese
|
| 'Ave ya got ya Cheddars? |
|
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Liver |
Cheerful Giver
|
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Missis |
Cheese and Kisses
|
|
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Jesus Christ |
Cheese and Rice
|
|
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Four of a Kind |
Cheese Rind
|
|
|
Favour |
Cheesey Quaver
Alternatives
|
| Mate, can you do me a Cheesey Quaver? |
|
|
Favour |
Cheesey Quaver
Alternatives
|
| Do us a cheesey quaver. |
|
|
Raver |
Cheesey Quaver
Alternatives
|
| Back in 1989 South Mimms Services was often a meeting place for Cheesey Quavers before the M25 acid. |
|
|
Shop |
Cheggers Plays Pop
|
|
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Jew |
Chelsea Blue
|
| Ur a Chelsea Blue, aint u? |
|
|
Cold |
Cheltenham Bold
|
|
|
Penalty Fare |
Cherie Blair
|
| I jumped of the tube and got Cheried |
|
|
Dog |
Cherry Hogg
|
|
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Lie |
Cherry Pie
|
| U're tellin a Cherry ain't ya son!! |
|
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Pipe |
Cherry Ripe
|
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Snow |
Cheryl Crow
|
|
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Face |
Chevy Chase
|
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Chat |
Chew the fat
|
|
|
Nice |
Chicken and Rice
|
|
|
Winner |
Chicken Dinner
|
| Everyone's a Chicken Dinner. |
|
|
Stripper |
Chicken Dipper
|
| Didn't you know Julie's a Chicken Dipper now? |
|
|
Slippers |
Chicken Dippers
|
|
|
Crazy |
Chicken Jalfrezi
|
| He's Chicken Jalfrezi. |
|
|
Mental |
Chicken Oriental
Alternatives
|
| You're chicken oriental pal, you know that don't you |
|
|
Mental (crazy) |
Chicken Oriental
Alternatives
|
|
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Haircut |
Chicker
|
|
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Mate |
China Plate
|
| Alright me old china? |
|
|
Mind |
Chinese Blind
|
|
|
5 |
Ching
|
|
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Trunks |
Chipmunks
|
|
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Knees |
Chips And Peas
|
| My Chips And Peas are sore. |
|
|
Judge |
Chocolate Fudge
|
|
|
Six (in bingo) |
Chop Sticks
|
|
|
Eager |
Christian Ziege
|
| 'He's a bit Christian' |
|
|
Knackered (tired) |
Christmas Crackered
|
|
|
Believe |
Christmas Eve
|
|
|
Back |
Cilla Black
|
| Gawd, me Cilla's playing up again! |
|
|
Stella (beer) |
Cinderella
|
| I've been drinkin' Cinderellas all night |
|
|
Table |
Clark Gable
|
| Put the plate on the Clark Gable |
|
|
Bent |
Clark Kent
|
| He's a bit Clarke Kent |
|
|
Hemorrhoids |
Clement Freuds
|
|
|
Bike |
Clever Mike
|
|
|
Sixty six |
Clickety Click
|
|
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Guilty |
Clonakilty
|
|
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|
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Egg |
Clothes Peg
|
|
|
Broke (financially bereft) |
Coals and Coke
|
|
|
Cadge |
Coat and Badge
|
|
|
Clanger (mistake) |
Coat Hanger
|
|
|
Say so |
Cocoa
|
|
|
Old Bill (Police) |
Cold Chill
|
| He went off with the cold chill. |
|
|
Match |
Colney Hatch
|
| Got any Colneys ? |
|
|
Cafe |
Colonel Gadaffi
|
|
|
£15 ie. three times a lady (Godiva - you know, as in fiver!!) |
Commodore
|
| Lend us a Commodore mate. |
|
|
Boil |
Conan Doyle
|
|
|
Price |
Condoleezza Rice
|
| Check the Condoleezza Rice on that item |
|
|
Stranger |
Connaught Ranger
|
|
|
Shocker |
Constantino Rocca
|
|
|
Cat |
Cooking Fat
|
| Don't tease the cooking fat ! |
|
|
Spanner |
Copacabana
|
|
|
Teeth |
Corn Beef
|
| I'll knock ya Corns out. |
|
|
Job |
Corn On the Cob
Alternatives
|
|
|
Nasty |
Cornish Pasty
|
| That's a bit Cornish Pasty aint it? |
|
|
Dozen |
Country Cousin
|
|
|
Paedophile (from the TV series South Park) |
Cousin Kyle
|
|
|
Half (a pint) |
Cow and Calf
|
|
|
Half a quid (50p) |
Cow's calf
Alternatives
|
| Lend me a cow's calf |
|
|
Laugh |
Cow's Calf
Alternatives
|
|
|
Cops |
Cozzer's
|
|
|
Doner Kebabs |
Crabs
|
| That old brass gave me the Doner Kebabs. |
|
|
Bookie |
Cream Cookie
|
|
|
Knackered (tired) |
Cream Crackered
|
|
|
Knackers |
Cream Crackers
|
| She got me right in the Cream Crackers |
|
|
Nice |
Cream Rice
|
| That was cream rice! |
|
|
Legs |
Cribbage Pegs
|
| 'and right through my Rank and Riches did my Cribbage Pegs burst' |
|
|
|
|
Cash |
Crosby, Stills and Nash
|
|
|
Tools |
Crown Jewels
|
|
|
Head |
Crust of Bread
|
|
|
Miss (girl) |
Cuddle and Kiss
|
|
|
Nice |
Cup of tea, sausage and a slice.
|
| He's a real cuppa geezer. |
|
|
Nun |
Currant Bun
Alternatives
|
|
|
Son |
Currant Bun
Alternatives
|
|
|
The Sun newspaper |
Currant Bun
Alternatives
|
| I read it in the Currant Bun |
|
|
Sun |
Currant Bun
Alternatives
|
|
|
Shaky |
Currant Cakey
|
|
|
Matches |
Cuts and Scratches
|
|
|
Loan shark |
Cutty Sark
|
|
|
Rain |
Cynthia Paine
|
|